wandering, without a plan ✨

a note on releasing the need to control

Hi sweet friend,

For the first time in my life, rather than feeling the need to plan two steps ahead and control my future, I am moving forward not knowing how things are going to work out. But rather than feeling fearful and anxious about it, I am excited and at peace knowing that everything will work itself out as it should. I have had a habit in my life, especially the last several years, of needing to control everything in my life and most of the time rather than feeling clear on things, I am left feeling even more confused and anxious and in the same place, even though I thought the controlling would figure things out.

Just over a month ago, I finished school feeling drained and exhausted and ready to jump in to my experience in Portugal. I arrived here feeling excited and sort of hit the ground running. At first, it was okay and the only thing I was dealing with was the jet leg, which I figured would go away with time. But shortly after this, the burnout started to kick in and I could feel my light dimming more and more each day. The work itself here is not particularly challenging, but the socialization, shared living situation, lack of nature, coupled with coming here already burnt out all worked together to make me feel drained of my energy. At first, I was trying to push it aside, but just last week it all became too much and I began questioning whether staying here was a good decision for me.

I have spent years of my life pushing through and putting one foot in front of the other, even when things were challenging. On the surface, this is a good mindset to carry, but it can also be problematic when the body is asking to take a step back. The thing about burnout and a dysregulated nervous system is that the longer you go ignoring the signs and symptoms, the more difficult it gets to slow down and give yourself the time to recharge. Your body becomes so unsure of wether or not it is safe. I am naturally the type of person who enjoys giving and caring for others. Making others feel good, nourished, loved, and cared for. But what happens when we do not nurture ourselves enough is that our capacity to give runs out, and this realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized, I have nothing left to give right now.

So, to make this long story shorter, I made the decision to say farewell to Ericiera, Portugal and instead, travel europe for the month of May. Finally give myself the time to just BE. No rigid plan. No pressure. Just time for myself, in nature, exploring. This was a really hard decision for me because I felt like I was giving up, and even more so felt like my body was giving up on me. But then, after some good chats with my loved ones (thanks mom!) and new friends here, the message that was relaying in my head was “this is your time to tend to YOU.” I have spent far too long placing expectations on myself and my life, and not enough time showering myself with grace for how I have handled everything in my life thus far. I am always telling others to be gentle on themselves. Release the expectations. Let go of the idea that their life needs to look a certain way in order for it to be “right,” yet I havent quiet let that sink in for myself.

Rather than looking at this shift in plans as a “failure,” I am genuinely filled with such pride and excitement because one of the bravest things we can do is accept when things are not meant for us and shift in a new direction with trust and confidence. Life is too short to stay in a place that doesn’t feel like it is serving us.

My time here in Ericiera has taught me lessons on boundaries and most importantly encouraged me to listen to my intuition and do so without guilt. Not to mention, I met some wonderful people who taught me so much in such little time, and who healed little parts of me I didn’t know needed healing. And for me, that is more than enough.

My only concrete plan moving forward is that I am leaving Portugal for Madrid, Spain next Friday (May 1st) to visit a friend for a few days and the rest of the month is left unplanned. Scary? A little bit. Exciting? So very much. For the first time, I don’t feel scared about not knowing, because I have this deep feeling that it’s all working itself out. My soul was craving adventure and newness for SO long, but it’s also been craving serenity. A chance to reset and rest and rejuvenate. So, although I am wandering without a plan, all I know for certain is I am finding the nature.

Sometimes, things don’t go as planned. But there’s usually a better plan that we weren’t able to think of if we weren’t faced with the pivot. Trust it.

Okay bye love you talk soon!

Bella x